Live Your Dream Life

I dreamed of living a life where I could find freedom and independence. Answer to no one and choose what I wanted to do.

I had no money, lived paycheck to paycheck. I had a failed business. I had no prospects in my current job. I lived in a tiny apartment with my boyfriend. I was a people pleaser. Everyone around me was trying to bully me into things I did not want to do. Their needs were met, but mine weren't. I felt a bitterness rise inside of me. All I ever wanted was unconditional love from my parents, but there were always strings attached, because they thought they knew my happiness better than I did. For once, I wanted to feel independent and happy, choosing my own path, my own life.

Every day I would wake up in the morning to my alarm. For a second, I would be okay, until I realized the reality of my life. I would lie there in my bed with such exhaustion, no matter how much I slept the night before. I would dread the day before it had even started because I knew I had to go to work, which I hated. Suddenly, a bobble of anxiety would swallow me whole, and I would not know what to do. I was stuck. I could hardly breathe, and I could not be in my body. I wanted to cry and scream at the same time, but nothing would come out. I would feel like a foreigner in my own body, the room around me would disappear, and so would I, to a place without hope or love. I felt hopeless.

I started to picture myself as a child because I felt helpless, just like I did as a child. I had done it in my past here and there, but this time I was more intentional about it. I had very detailed conversations with my inner child. At first, I was skeptical that talking to my inner child would do anything productive. But there I was in a miserable life with nothing to lose. To my own surprise, I felt better. Soon, I would cling to the conversations with my inner child, because in those moments, I did not feel my anxiety. I felt safe and loved. I felt hope for better days. I felt I could actually go after my dreams. I was ready to make a change, so my inner child would be proud of me.

I realized what I wanted since I was a child was to help people. So I decided to create a purpose-led business that would help other people.

I quit my job with only savings for a few months to sustain me. I wanted to wake up every day talking to my inner child and let her guide me towards my dream life. I had no prospects for any jobs. My boyfriend and I had just broken up. I was lost and knew my money and options would run out any moment.

Even though my world was crumbling, I kept having conversations with my inner child every day. One day, I realized I had, without noticing, completely changed my internal world. I would wake up happy and grateful for another day, even though my external world was crumbling. I was finally listening to myself and knew what would make me happy. I knew what my dream life looked like. I felt a huge change in my life. Hope. Because I knew I was on the path to my dream life, and I was excited to be there.

Since I was a child, I have always wanted to feel peace. Now that I have finally achieved it, I could not believe how harmonious I felt every day. I had found a beautiful place in my internal world. My inner child kept me accountable every day to live my life for me, no one else. Suddenly, I had my independence and freedom like I always wanted. I was the one deciding what I wanted for once in my life. No one else had any power over me anymore, because I trusted myself and my inner child more. My internal strength had become so strong that I hardly reacted to any external happenings around me because I knew in my heart I was going to be okay, I was safe and loved by myself and my inner child. I was going to find my way towards my happiness, my dream life.

I was in a relationship that was not going well. We would argue all the time over the smallest things. We couldn't even go out shopping without picking a fight. It had never been this bad in our relationship, and it had been going on for a year. We both blamed it on our financial situation. We were struggling to pay the rent with our minimum-wage jobs. We were stressed out, and we agreed that was why we would pick fights. So, we wanted to rectify the situation by buying a house, getting married, and having kids. I thought that would fix our relationship to get more security. However, even talking about changing our lives for the better did not help. The situation became too tense, and we were fighting every day in our tiny apartment. So, I took some time away from our relationship to visit my parents. To my surprise, I would wake up feeling great. I would be grateful for another day. Suddenly, I would notice the small things again, like the birds chirping, the feeling of the sun on my face, and the kids playing outside having fun. I did not find it annoying anymore. I felt grateful for it all. I started to talk to my inner child because I was confused about what had changed. Before, the world was against me, and now the world seemed so beautiful and bright. My inner child said I was craving love from myself, not him. All this time, I was so upset with him because he could not give me the love I deserved. But then I realized the love I was really craving was mine. I began to love myself and saw why the relationship was not working. It was a codependent relationship. If he had a bad day, I had to have a bad day. If he had a good day, I had to have a good day. I realized, standing on the beach, looking at the bridge dividing the sky into two, one side was full of light and sunshine, the other was full of clouds and darkness. I realized in that moment I needed to go towards the light, even though he was in the darkness. I finally felt independent for the longest time, because I did not need anybody else to love me or define me. I was not that person anymore. I had healed so much of my past that I did not need any love from outside of myself. I ended that relationship because I knew I could love myself better than he could.

In all my past relationships, I have been a victim of abuse. Emotionally, physically, or sexually. It was like I was a magnet and all the narcissists in the world would come and find me. After a while, I would believe I only deserved hurt and pain like I had experienced in the past. So I would accidentally welcome in misfortune to misfortune. I would not be able to get a high-paying job. I would work hard in minimum wage jobs, being a victim of toxic environments. I would become homeless. All I knew was surviving and being a victim. In the end, I thought I deserved nothing but the bare minimum because people around me told me so. But what they did not realize was that I had such a strength inside of me that they had not seen. That was hidden within. My inner child would tell me stories of a world where I was the creator of my own life. My inner child would give me the courage to get back up. My inner child would provide a glimmer of hope for a brighter future. She would tell me, “We know how to spot these emotionally draining people now. We will avoid them and not settle anymore, because you are not a victim. You know you deserve a lot better.” I ended the cycle right there. No more abusive relationships. No more settling. No more surviving. I am going to thrive. I am going to surround myself with good people. I am going to choose high-paying jobs because that is what I deserve. I deserve that and so much more.

I got an engineering degree in my home country. My parents wanted me to have a high-paying job, so I indulged in their persuasions and chose to follow in their footsteps. I was not very happy with the study. All I wanted was to help people and use my creative talents, but according to my parents, that was impossible to achieve. When I finished my studies, I moved to another country to try my luck with my creative pursuits. It did not pan out because I kept hearing the limiting beliefs from others. I felt defeated. I had to pay my bill with various minimum wage jobs that hardly made ends meet. Every time I doubted my creative pursuits, I would apply for engineering jobs, but nothing panned out. I clung onto the hope that if my creative pursuits were successful, then I wouldn't need to use my degree. However, it did not happen. 5 years passed, and I was sick of living in survival mode. I finally got a job where I could work my way up and use my degree for once. I would be able to eventually get a high-paying job. I started to talk to my inner child. She was brutally honest. She was tired of me not going for what I always wanted. Help people and use my creative talents. I quit that cushy job and said to myself, “If not now, then when?”. I wanted to give myself the best shot without doubting myself ever again. My inner child helped me trust myself and my intuition. So, if I had any doubts or people near me would judge my lifestyle and the risks I was willing to take to achieve my dreams, my inner child would remind me of what would truly make me happy.

Ever since I was a child, I have gotten a lot of things from my parents. I would get expensive things on my birthday, graduation, etc. But all I really craved was being accepted for me. It was like a veil was over their eyes, and they thought I was dreaming of having their life. So, I graduated in math and science. When my true talents were in the arts. After a while, I learned to reject my true self and gain beautiful gifts in return. So instead of creating beautiful things, I would buy it. Eventually, I got a shopping addiction. I would lose my month's wages within a week, because I did not have a creative outlet for my talents. So instead, I obtained it in a shop. It was like a big hole was inside of me where my creative talents were, and I needed to fill it with beautiful things in my home and in my wardrobe to satisfy my creative needs. As soon as I listened to my inner child, who kept repeating “Create!”. It changed my whole life. Every time I was happy, I would create. Every time I had a hard time, I would create. No matter how I felt every day, I used my creative talents as an outlet for my emotions. I no longer needed to shop. As soon as I accepted myself for being a creative person, everything fell into place, and the void inside of me was no longer there.